Smashers Anonymous

Me: Hi, my name is Paul, and I like to smash people at open mat.
All: HI PAUL
Me: It’s been 17 days since I last smashed someone.
All: [applause]
Me: I’ve been having a hard time lately. I know I’m not supposed to break my toys, but my sparring partners get all tense and spazzy, and it just makes me want to smash them and make them hold still.
Leader: We all know what you mean.
All: [nod heads]
Leader: Remember, you used to be an uncontrolled white belt, too. Remember all the times you got choked nearly unconscious because you wouldn’t tap, and the times you tried to thrash out of a submission, only to hurt yourself?
Me: [sniff] Yeah. I thought I could get out of that judoka’s ezekiel choke.
Leader: Right, right. Keep that in mind when you are working with these less skilled practitioners.
Me: But what about the guys who are my level and. . . better?
All: [GASP!]
SA Guest #1: Hey, man, we know you want to dominate everyone. I’ve been there. There was this brown belt one time that tried to heel hook me, and when I got out of it I was all like, hey man, I’m gonna smash you. You know? It’s like I’m seein’ red and just want to smash and smash and smash and smash
Leader: We got it. We got it. This is something in our blood, right? It’s just how we think. We have to turn our smashing instinct into technique and pressure. Sure some of the upper belts will call you “Strong”
SA Guest #2: I hate that!
Leader: and some of them will call you “Tough”, or anything but “technical” or “flowing”.
SA Guest #3: I’d like to flow roll them down a mountain, hey!
Leader: All right, all right, listen, I know we’ve all been there. But you can’t just smash your way out of problems!
SA Guest #4: I can sure as hell try!
Leader: Guys, settle down. Paul has a real problem here.
Me: Can I smash it?
Leader: Seriously, we need to get back on track.
All: smash, Smash, SMASH, SMASH!
All: [fighting and a general melee breaks out]
. . .
Me: Hi, my name is Paul, and it’s been five minutes since I last smashed someone.

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